Alien Education
by Mickey3
Summary: A series of drabbles in which the rest of SG1 tries to teach Teal'c about catch phrases, expressions, and American pop culture.
1. Finger Licking Good

**Finger Licking Good  
By Mickey**

STORY STATUS: Completed 12-10-2005

SEASON: 1 before Cold Lazarus

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the December 9th Jackfic drabble word 'Licking'. I guess you could say this was inspired by Jolene's fic. She mentioned TV commercials and this just kinda popped into my head. Enjoy.

* * *

"What better way to bond than over the world's best take-out chicken." Jack said smiling as Daniel set two large bags on the coffee table.

The four friends joked as they ate.

"Mmmm, finger licking good." Jack smiled as he dropped the chicken bone onto his plate.

"Did Daniel Jackson not bring enough napkins Colonel O'Neill?"

"I brought plenty, Teal'c. Jack is just repeating the commercial."

"I see." His friends smiled at the puzzled look on Teal'c's face.

"Teal'c, buddy, it's about time I teach you the one of the most important parts of Earth culture. Catch phrases!"

_THE END_


	2. Road Kill

**Road Kill**

STORY STATUS: Completed 8/31/06

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Late entry for the August 12th JackFic drabble word 'Opossum'.

* * *

"Ick, road kill." Sam said, stepping around the dead creature.

Daniel followed Sam, "Kinda looks like an opossum."

"Good. Damn things keep tipping my trash can over."

"These . . . possum's . . . are a species of 'road kill'?"

"It's not an animal, well that," Jack pointed at the squashed remains _"was_ an animal, it's an expression." Jack explained. "Road kill is any animal that's been killed on the road by a vehicle."

"And why would one choose to kill an animal in such a way. It seems extremely wasteful."

"They don't . . . they" Jack sighed in exasperation.

"Daniel!"

_THE END_


	3. A Pinch

**A Pinch**

STORY STATUS: Completed 11/5/06

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the November 3rd Jackfic drabble word 'ouch'. Crap! I guess this has become a series.

* * *

"Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming." Jack said, staring at the arsenal before him.

"Ouch!" He rubbed his arm as he turned to see one giggling Captain and one straight faced Jaffa.

"What the hell'd you do that for, Teal'c?"

"I was merely doing what you requested, O'Neill. Though you were obviously awake."

Jack chuckled at the confused look on Teal'c's face. "It's just an expression. I didn't mean it literally. Get it?"

"I do not."

"Carter, you explain it to him." Jack groused.

"Why me?"

"Because Daniel isn't here."

Carter looked at her puzzled friend and muttered. "Damn."

_THE END_


	4. Catch a Tiger

**Catch a Tiger  
**

STORY STATUS: Completed 1/21/07

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the January 19th Jackfic drabble phrase 'Eeny meeny miny mo'. Unbeta'd.

* * *

"Come on Daniel, just pick something already."

"Wait a minute, Jack, this is important."

"Well, just use eeny meeny miny mo." Daniel glared. Jack shrugged. "Hey, works for me."

Daniel was about to make a retort when Teal'c spoke.

"What is this eeny meeny miny mo?"

"It helps you make a choice between multiple options. You just point back and forth between your choices until you get to the end of the rhyme." Sam explained.

"That method seems most ineffectual."

"Daniel, you explain it." Jack couldn't help but smile as Daniel attempted to glare a hole through his retreating back.

_THE END_


	5. Groundhog's Day

**Groundhog's Day**

STORY STATUS: Completed 2/4/07

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the January 26th Jackfic drabble word 'shadow'.

* * *

"Damn, guess I'll have to hold off planting those new flowers." Jack remarked as he switched from the news channel back to ESPN.

At Teal'c's perplexed look, he added, "Ole Puxantoni Phil saw his shadow. That means six more weeks of winter."

"I do not understand. What does a rodent seeing his shadow have to do with the changing of seasons?"

"It's just a superstition, T. If the groundhog sees his shadow it means a longer winter, if he doesn't, then spring will come early."

Teal'c nodded, "I see."

Jack chuckled. He clearly didn't. "Ya see, buddy, it's like this. . . . "

_THE END_


	6. Lucky For Who?

**Lucky For Who?  
**

STATUS: Completed 3/15/07

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the March 14th JackFic drabble words "Lucky Charms".

No animals were harmed during the production of this drabble.

* * *

"Hey! That's my lucky charm," Daniel exclaimed as Jack snagged the rabbit's foot from his hand.

"Oh, come on, Daniel. Don't tell me you actually believe that crap."

"What is a lucky charm?"

"It's a object, usually a rabbit's foot or horse shoe, that people believe will bring them good luck." Jack explained.

"It is not lucky for the animal."

"Well," Daniel stammered. "No, I ah I guess not."

"Do all Tauri believe in torturing animals to obtain their body parts?"

Daniel stared in open-mouthed shock.

Jack tossed the foot back to Daniel. "Have fun explaining that one, Danny Boy."

_THE END_


	7. Pumpkin Light

**Pumpkin Light  
**

STORY STATUS: Completed 10/17/2007

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: I finished this a while ago, but figured I'd hold off until today to post it. Happy Halloween everybody!!

* * *

"I do not understand how giving out candy to children who carry a sack and say 'Trick-or-Treat' relates to a Pagan holiday celebrating the spirits of the dead walking the Earth."

Jack sighed. He'd spent the last hour explaining the concept of Halloween costumes and trick-or-treating to Teal'c with little success. With a patience born of many years of being a father and of Special Ops missions, Jack explained it again.

Thirty minutes later he asked, "Get it now, T?"

After a moment Teal'c nodded, then asked, "What is the purpose of butchering a pumpkin and calling it a Jack-o-'lantern?"

_THE END_


	8. Frosty the Snowman

**Frosty the Snowman  
**

STORY STATUS: Completed 12/12/2007

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Thanks to Cokie for the beta. Written for the December 7th Jackfic drabble word 'frosty'.

* * *

"That is most improbable, O'Neill." Teal'c said as the credits for 'Frosty the Snowman' played.

Jack was seriously beginning to reconsider the wisdom in letting Teal'c watch Christmas cartoons.

"It's just a cartoon, Teal'c. It's not real." Sam said.

"T, buddy, it's not like that. They're just for entertainment." Jack added.

"Do all Tauri believe it is entertaining to deceive their children?"

Jack sighed in exasperation. He was really going to kill Daniel for this. "They teach lessons too, T, about having dreams, sharing, and people helping people."

Daniel chimed in. "Who wants to watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?"

_THE END_


	9. There's a Word for That?

**There's a Word for That?  
**

Status: Completed 5/26/2008

Word Count: 100

Author's Notes: Written for the September 30th 2005 Jackfic drabble word "doohickey". Many thanks to my beta Cyn, who also came up with the title!

* * *

"Doohickey. Ya know?" Jack paused. At his friend's blank look, he continued. "A thingamajig, doodad, thingamabob. . . . Get it?"

"I do not. Why do you not call the object by its given name?"

Jack sighed in exasperation. "Because I don't _know_ it! We're in Carter's lab for crying out loud. I don't know what ninety-nine percent of this stuff is," he turned and glared at Carter. "No giggling, Major."

When Jack turned his attention back to his alien friend, Teal'c said, "Then why do you not simply ask?"

"Good question." Carter said, trying not to giggle.

"Let's go bug Daniel."

_THE END_


	10. Chick Flick

**Chick Flick  
**

Status: Completed 6/14/2008

Word Count: 100

Author's Notes: I haven't run out of ideas yet, but this was too good to pass up. Thanks for the idea, Dream Of Stories. Unbetaed.

* * *

"It's a _chick flick_, T!"

Teal'c stared at his friend with a blank expression.

Jack sighed. "Ya know, a girly movie. The kind only women and Momma's boys like."

"What is a. . . ."

Jack cut him off. "I'll explain that later."

"Do Tauri men not enjoy romance?"

"Well, yeah, of course. At home though, not watching some stupid chick flick! How about Doctor Dolittle or Lethal Weapon 4. . . ?"

"I have told you the movie I wish to see, O'Neill."

Jack relented. He turned, glared at the snickering teenaged boy behind the ticket stand, and grumbled "Two for Hope Floats."

_THE END_


	11. You Want WHAT?

**You want WHAT?  
By Mickey**

Status: Completed 8/10/2008

Word Count: 100

Author's Notes: Written for the May 13th 2005 Jackfic drabble phrase "You want WHAT?"

* * *

"You want WHAT?" Jack's hand flew to his face as coffee spewed from his nose. He grabbed a tissue and blew his nose as Teal'c started to reply.

"I wish to. . ."

"I heard ya, but _why_ do you want to do _that_?"

"Doctor Jackson informed me that line dancing it is an excellent way to get exercise and that, in many Earth cultures, dancing is considered a good way to impress the women of your world. He has informed me you are interested in a female nurse, so I thought you might wish to accompany me to a lesson."

"Daniel!"

_THE END_


	12. A Pinch and a Punch

**A Pinch and a Punch  
By Mickey**

Status: Completed 11/10/2008

Content Warnings: One kinda bad word.

Word Count: 100

Dedication: For Teddy, who suggested using 'a pinch and a punch for the first of the month'. My muse ran with it.

Author's Notes: Unbeta'd.

* * *

"Hey, T, what's . . ."

Teal'c swiftly walk over to him and pinched Jack's arm. Hard. He barely had time to react as Teal'c's fist came flying towards him. He started to dodge. Not fast enough. He caught a glancing blow across his left shoulder. He grimaced in pain as his right hand flew to his shoulder. He was _almost_ certain Teal'c had pulled that punch, but it still hurt like hell.

"What'd you do that for?"

"Daniel Jackson has told me of the Earth custom, 'a pinch and a punch for the first of the month'," Teal'c explained.

Jack bellowed, "DANIEL!"

_THE END_

End notes: For those who are curious, the saying "A pinch and a punch for the first of the month originates from old England times when people thought that witches existed. People thought that salt would make a witch weak, so the pinch part is pinching of the salt, and the punch part was to banish the witch. The witch would be weak from the salt so the punch was to banish her.

Or at least according to Wiki anyway.


	13. Explaining Valentine's Day

**Explaining Valentine's Day  
By Mickey**

Status: Completed 2/14/2009

Content Warnings: Lame title?

Word Count: 200

Author's Notes: I just couldn't get this down to 100 words to make it a drabble, so it's a double-length, holiday special drabble! Unbeta'd.

* * *

"What is Valentine's Day?" Teal'c asked, placing his tray on the table.

"Well, it's generally considered to be a lover's holiday, but parents often buy a card and/or candies for their kids too." Jack explained. "Sara used to buy these little sugar heart candies with sayings on them for Charlie. Kid loved 'em." He didn't need to ask what made the Jaffa bring the subject up. The Mess was decorated to the hilt. Red, white and pink balloons and streamers hung from the ceiling, silhouette hearts and cupids adorned the walls.

"Mom used to buy them for Mark and me too," Carter said. Then she added, "Sometimes Middle and High schools have a dance."

"What is the significance of this holiday?"

Jack sighed as Daniel launched into a long explanation of the various believes, customs, and believed origins of Valentine's Day.

Teal'c was quiet for a few minutes as he absorbed what Daniel had told him. Then he asked, "And people truly believe they will find love after being shot in the rear end by a fat, naked, human infant with wings and a weapon."

Patting Daniel -who was giving him a pleading look- on the shoulder, Jack stood and laughed, "You opened that can of worms, my friend. You're on your own!"

_THE END_


	14. Resurrections, Giant Bunnies and Colored

**Resurrections, Giant Bunnies and Colored Eggs  
By Mickey**

Status: Completed 4/09/2009

Word Count: 100

Author's Notes: Unbeta'ed.

* * *

"That's the story of Christ's resurrection," Daniel finished.

"What does that have to do with a giant bunny who delivers candies and stuffed toys to young children? Teal'c queried after several minutes.

Leaning back in his chair, Jack smirked. This was going to take a while.

"Well," Daniel began, "there are few stories behind that."

Several hours later, Jack could tell Daniel was beginning to regret he'd ever mentioned Easter to their alien friend.

"Told ya to give him the condensed version, Danny-boy."

"And where does the coloring of eggs fit in?"

Jack grinned as Daniel gave a frustrated sigh.

_THE END_


	15. Dog Hotdogs?

**Dog Hotdogs?  
By Mickey**

Status: Completed 4/22/2009

Content Warnings: Lame title. Hey, it's me, what did you expect?

Word Count: 150

Author's Notes: Drabble and-a-half inspired by Cheryl's very funny ficlet, "Teal'c's Torment". Unbeta'd.

* * *

"Hotdog, T?"

"I was under the impression that dogs are domesticated canines that humans keep as pets or protectors."

Jack stared at Teal'c blankly. "Uhhh, they are."

"Then why would you wish to cut one up, cook it, then put it on a bun and eat it?"

Jack blinked, opened then closed his mouth, and blinked again. "It's not like that," Jack began. *Well, in some places it sorta is, but that's just _wrong_.* "There was this guy who sold sausages at ball games that he called hotdogs because. . . ." Several minutes later Jack stopped, "Get it?" he asked.

Teal'c remained silent, eyebrow raised.

Carter giggled. Jack glared.

Finally, Teal'c answered, "I do not."

Sighing and turning to Daniel, who was red-faced from trying not to laugh, Jack said, "You explain it."

Apparently recovering from not laughing at Jack's, admittedly, inept answer, Daniel took over, "You see, Teal'c, it's like this. . . ."

_THE END_


	16. A Penny For Your Thoughts

**A Penny For Your Thoughts  
By Mickey**

Status: Completed 5/17/2009

Word Count: 100

* * *

"A penny for your thoughts?" Jack asked, startling Carter.

"Are they not worth more than that, O'Neill?"

"What?"

"Major Carter's thoughts, are they not worth more than a penny?"

"Yes, I mean no, I mean. . . ." Jack sighed. Daniel snickered. Jack glared. "Yes, T, they are worth more, it's just an expression."

"I see."

Clearly, he didn't.

"You say it when someone is deep in thought and you want to get their attention."

"Why not simply call their name?"

Jack sighed again. "It's another way to ask what they are thinking about?"

"Why not simply ask them about their thoughts?"

"Daniel!"

_THE END_


	17. October, Halloween and Zombies, Oh My!

**October, Halloween and Zombies, Oh My!  
by Mickey**

E-mail: jack_fan2004

Status: Completed 10/24/2012

Warnings: Lame title? Again... Wow. I really do suck at 'em don't I!

Word Count: 200

Author's Notes: Written for the stargtedrabbles list's June 15th 2012 challenge to write quick story about a zombie/zombies. I don't think this is what they had in mind, but it is a quick one! And it didn't take long to write, either! I haven't added to this series in three years (wow! Doesn't seem like it's been that long!) and since Halloween is just a few days away it just seemed perfect to use this challenge to add a new installment to this series! Unbeta'd.

* * *

"It's a zombie movie, T."

"What is a Zombie?"

Jack looked at Teal'c and explained, "It's a living dead guy." Quickly, he added, "Just watch."

Daniel sighed. Jack had been trying to get him to watch some stupid horror flick since the first of the month. "It's October, Danny boy, you gotta watch scary and/or monster movies in October," His friend had reasoned.

The three of them were at Jack's house and Jack had just put on Return of the Living Dead part 2. Supposedly, it was a horror/comedy and a "classic".

Halloween was Jack's favorite holiday. Since he'd explained the concept of Halloween to their Teal'c, it had become his favorite as well. Daniel had regretted it ever since.

Coffee in and a bowl of popcorn in hand, Daniel claimed a spot on the couch and silently wished Sam had come along too.

When the first zombie appeared on the screen, Jack pointed excitedly and said, "_That_ is a zombie!"

Still looking confused, Teal'c turned to Daniel and said, "I do not understand."

Knowing what was coming, Daniel groaned inwardly and tried to decide how to explain it as Jack paused the movie, looked at him said, "Do tell!"

_TBC_


End file.
